Happiness is fuzzy and purple...

I made a new friend today... ^o^

Breaking News!

I have paid for my visa! =D YES!! happy, good, amazing news! cause for rejoicing!

now for the bad news... I wasn't supposed to get my medical examination or my x-rays done until AFTER paying -_- There are specific doctors that I have the choice of seeing to get all this done, and two forms that I have to bring with me as well...

So! all that money I borrowed from my uncle (and the tears that followed) just went down the drain... *sigh..* ah well.. **** happens, and life goes on...

I found out which doctors I can go see, looked up their names in my insurance and called both of them, but insurance won't cover either. so phooey! this is all going to be out of my pocket >.<>have money. but that's all the money that I have, and it has to last me until July 15 (four days before I'm supposed to leave). However, if I don't get my visa I won't be going anyway.. so... guess who's going to be broke again?

At one doctor's the cost is $300 for everything (with a very friendly receptionist on the phone too ^^, I liked her). The other doctor is $250, (but not as friendly a receptionist as the first one). I'm going to have to go with the cheaper one though. "Beggars can't be choosers."

I'll let you guys know how things turn out... But as a good friend reminded me this morning.. Well, ok two good friends lol... "I need to CHILL! God will work it all out and everything will be fine. if i end up going or not... and the good thing is that there are advantages to going and to not going..." and from the other friend "This is why I tell you: Don't worry about your life... Look at the birds of the sky: they don't sow or reap or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren't you worth more than they? ... Learn how the wildflowers of the field grow: they don't labor or spin thread. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was adorned like one of these! If that's how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, won't he do much more for you--you of little faith? So don't worry... For the idolaters eagerly seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first the kingdom of god and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you. Therefore don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

You know.. I used to HATE that passage growing up.. because it was one of the longest passages I had to memorize for Bible, and it was sooo annoying because it was soo long! I've never forgotten it because I hated it so much actually lol.. but I needed to be reminded of it today. Thanks April! ^_^

more tears and frustration

So... I just posted about all the chores and documents that I needed to do.. And all of that in itself would give ANYONE a headache.. but there's more that lies underneath...

Presently, with all the **** I've been wading through, and the tasks to get completed, and all the struggles and frustrations I'm having... I'm trying to remember why I wanted to go to Australia in the first place. And why in the world am I putting myself through all of this. I'm trying to convince myself that it will all be worth it in the end. i'm trying SO hard.. and i just end up crying. I think i cried myself to sleep last night actually.. I spent the afternoon cleaning the kitchen, and crying, cuz i was so stressed out about everything.

And not only was I stressed, have been stressed, but I've been alone for most of it. My brother started his summer classes on Tuesday. My uncle works all day and comes home in the evenings. we're never sure when he's coming in actually.. And my grandmother's been in the hospital. Steven and I don't know anyone in Arlington. we don't have any close friends here.. and, don't get me wrong, i LOVE my alone-time, but a month of it is just too much.

Now some of you, well probably most of you, knowing my friends, would suggest that I get involved with my church. I've tried that. I've tried to do that EVERY TIME I'M IN THIS COUNTRY. At least I tried until this year. this year was it. I didn't want to bother with it anymore. See... in 8th grade I used to be really involved in my church, especially in the youth. I did everything i possibly could! it was the FIRST time for me to actually feel AT HOME and really WELCOMED in a church. and the first time for me to be in a church youth group actually. I loved it. But I was only there for 6-7 months, and then i went back to the Philippines until my eldest brother got married a year and a half later in 2005. didn't have much time to do anything with the youth, but i went over there.. next time was in 2006. we were here for the ENTIRE SUMMER. and i tried. i tried so hard to get back into the youth group.

but... idk.. it was like they didn't care if i was there or not. it didn't matter that i had been gone, because they couldn't remember that i had been there before. i felt like i didn't exist. and I'd never been to a public school in the states, i don't keep up with popular music :p so i had NO idea what ANY of them were talking about AT ALL. (of course, we must all keep in mind that this summer was just after i was suicidal for about 3-4 months... That's a story for another time, that probably won't be told on here...) I guess after that.. i didn't bother trying anymore.. When i started college, I tried joining the college group. but it was all the same people as before. they didn't care. and they still don't care. they don't meet to study God's word at all. they meet almost purely for social matters. why do they even bother with the pretense of studying? it frustrates me to no end, so I don't go to the college group anymore.

and I guess that whole back story is where my main fear stems from.. I'm terrified that I'll leave for Australia in July, and come back to school in January, or even when I'm back for Thanksgiving, and find that my place among my friends has been taken. that i've been replaced. or that we will all have changed so much that we cannot relate to one another anymore. I'm afraid that i will become a stranger to my friends. I'm already feeling left behind. i couldn't find a job this summer, not that i really tried, since i'm supposed to be leaving in mid-July (if my visa comes through). There wasn't really a point. and most of my friends have jobs this summer, so they're working, while i sit on my bum, staring at my laptop screen cuz i have nothing to do and no friends to hang out with or talk to.i feel useless, lonely, and abandoned. only I'M the one who's not doing anything. I'M the one who's going to another country for 4 months (God willing). so why do I feel like i'm being left behind? it doesn't make sense, even to me. but it's how i feel.

I'm scared. I'm really scared. I'm scared that i can't keep up with the other students in Australia. Art class, photography, choir, tech/stage crew work... stuff i haven't done since high school! and there's no way i'll be able to skype with all my friends or be on facebook all the time. I'm sorry to those of you who command me to skype them and keep up, but the chances of that are EXTREMELY slim. and besides, you all have your own lives to live, right? how are the crazy antics of a friend on the other side of the world going to affect your lives?

Call it my inferiority complex or something.. but i'm EXTREMELY lonely, feeling VERY forgotten, lacking encouragement and self-confidence, and trying to get everything done so i can go to Australia. All the while wondering to myself WHY I'm putting myself through hell to try to get there. and hoping and wishing that it'll all be worth it in the end, and that my friends will still be my friends when i return. No matter how much we've changed.

aaaaand i'm crying again.. i think i'll try going to bed now.. sorry for the two depressing blog posts.. but it's been that kind of... summer..

on a happier note, my brother John gets married next weekend! :D and we're going to South Carolina Jun 9th! :D and i found someone to alter my bridesmaid's top for me! :D yay for little miracles ^_^

tears and frustrations...

I realize I'm overdue for writing something.. and I'm trying to think of something that I can write without making everyone depressed or without crying, again... It's been a very hard 12ish days... Obviously, you should be able to tell from the title T_T

Well, it's June 2nd, or it was an hour or so ago.. and I've got a list of things I'm supposed to have filled out and sent in to the ASC office in Washington DC. There's my Medical/Emergency Form, my ISIC and the money for that, register for classes, my Domestic Travel Form, and last, but not least, my State Department Registration. aka: MY VISA. the source of all my tears that I've shed in the past 4 days. the worry that has kept me awake for many nights, reading manga to block out the world, and staying up until much later than I needed. the diabolical, nagging, and yet oh so vitally important task that I MUST have as soon as humanly possible... more on that later

Starting from the top, I have th Med/Em form filled out, faxed AND mailed in to Washington, with copies of my insurance card. The most annoying part? MY GRANDMOTHER'S COMPUTER DOES NOT HAVE MICROSOFT WORD INSTALLED. and I couldn't find the box with the product key >.<>

Next on the list was my International Student Identity Card (ISIC) and the money for that. I actually took care of that AGES ago, with the help of Andrew Stewart :p he took pictures of me in a tree, and I sent one of those in with money to buy the stupid card. So guess who gets to have an ID picture of herself in a tree! -.^ (I completely tore my arm apart climbing that tree too >.<>

Registration opened up the week after graduation while I was still on campus, so THAT was fun to figure out which classes I was taking and WHEN I would take them.. I'm still REALLY confused how that's all going to work out.. I don't think I'm getting any breaks... oh... -_- and I made a teensy-weensy mistake when I was talking with Letu staff and getting "registered" for classes here.. I had originally gotten permission to take TWENTY hours.. (some of you may remember me talking about that). ASC contacted us and said they didn't allow their *regular* students to take more than 18, and most struggled with 17... So.. with 16 being my minimum, and 17 as the max, I signed up for 17 credit hours... I thought..

WHOOPS!

Turns out one of my classes was worth FOUR credit hours.. not three.. so I'll be taking 18 credit hours.. and it's going to feel like at least 22 hours at Letu.. and ALL of it Fine Arts oriented.. well.. except for two classes.. 1/3 of the 18 credit hours are counting towards my degree audit.. the only classes that aren't Fine Arts oriented... Intro to Poly Sci and Cultural Anthropology. They actually have different names at ASC, but that's what they're counting them for at Letu. and besides, I can't remember the real class names -_- (when I get my official schedule, I'll be sure to post it on here so you guys can see what kind of hell I'll be going through)

Next was my TRAVEL FORM... Basically, they needed to know how I'll be getting to LAX where I'll be meeting the group going to Australia, and how I'll be getting back home from LAX. We bought those tickets on Monday or Tuesday I believe.. talk about cutting it close! I didn't have the money for those tickets.. we ended up using all but 3,000 of my SkyMiles, and we had to buy more miles as well... I think I owe my parents around $2-300 for that.. (in case you didn't know, money is going to crop up again and again in this blog, because it has ALSO been a source of many shed tears and sleepless nights and much frustration). But I have my tickets! On July 19, I fly out of DFW around 9:30am, fly to ATLANTA, arrive there around 12:44pm, THEN fly to LAX at 2ish, arriving around 3:30. the group doesn't leave for Australia until 11:55pm... I'm going to have SO much fun sitting in an airport for 8-9 hours doing NOTHING. >.<>

Lastly, we come to the bane of.. my efforts to go to Australia..

Before I complain anymore about how frustrating it's been, I have to admit my own faults here.. I received my EcoE (Electronic confirmation of Enrollment) code on May 19th I believe.. and i SHOULD have started applying for my visa then, but I didn't. I didn't get to work on ANY of the stuff due for June 2nd until Friday afternoon. See, there's this little matter of money that's needed to pay for a plane ticket and a visa... I already told you about the plane ticket. A student visa to Australia costs $540.. I JUST NOW got that money today, (June 2nd) but via check deposit, so I can't touch it until tomorrow afternoon!

but I'm getting ahead of myself...

I started applying for my visa, and all of a sudden two messages in bright blue appear at the top of my screen, saying "Melody Miller needs to undergo a medical examination," and "Melody Miller needs to undergo a chest x-ray." .... then I got to the page where I was supposed to pay, and I didn't have the money :p then I spent about an hour or two trying to figure out where I'm supposed to send in the results of the physical and the xray.. couldn't find anything. so I email the ASC people and ask them if they have any idea where I'm supposed to send the results. They of course get all anxious and concerned about the fact that I don't have my visa yet. I KNOW that it's very important to have my visa in time. I grew up on the mission field, traveling between countries. and if they had read my application (which I'm pretty sure they were supposed to, they would have known that I'm an MK and am use to international travel.. huh.. go figure) so... needless to say, I was very angry at them for practically insulting me >.<>

@%$*#%@*$%@#$%@!!!!!!!

*sigh...* i'm fine...

so... I got my physical done on Sunday actually, because they were open until 5. that pretty much wiped out my bank account.. mostly. I asked them how much an x-ray would cost. $110. ok.. uhm.. hey Grandma? lol.. actually, my Uncle loaned me money for that, since my grandmother has been in the hospital recovering from knee replacement surgery that she had on May 20th (i think...). So I went back to CareNow for the x-ray.. and had to explain about five times WHY i was getting an xray, to four people... finally got the x-ray done, saw the doctor afterwards, i'm fine, i'm healthy, nothing is broken, and i don't have TB :p (i already knew that though) so i go to pay and check out. =) seeing the doctor cost an extra $98... i only had the $110 with me (that's actually ALL i had), and my brother was close to broke as well.. So we called my Uncle Randy, and begged him for more money. -_- So we drive back home, get another $100 from my uncle, then go back to the clinic and finish paying.

Oh, and I'm basically in tears during this whole not-having-money-going-home-borrowing-from-uncle-again deal... i HATE borrowing money. absolutely hate being in debt to someone. and yet, i frequently find myself doing just that. That wasn't what made me cry though. what made me cry was the fact that my uncle is SO much like my dad sometimes, except he's a bachelor. my uncle's never had any kids, so he doesn't have that tender streak like my dad does. Now, my dad can be VERY tender and gentle. My dad is the one i got all of my touchy-feely stuff from, not my mom. And when i upset my dad, yes, he gets angry at me, and gets on to me. But then, and i LOVE my dad for this, he ALWAYS makes sure to come back immediately and lets me know that he still loves me and that he forgives me and that everything is all right. Now.. i KNOW that I upset my uncle.. and i know he forgives me, (at least i hope so...) but it's really hard to have to face someone who is SO much like my dad, and NOT receive that gentle love that i'm so used to receiving from my dad..

I think I stayed in my room and cried most of the rest of that day.. or turned my brain off and read shoujo manga..

Anyways.. the xray results should be in tomorrow. My brother is going to pick those up tomorrow morning before he goes to classes at 1. And then by 3 or 4 i think I'll be able to pay for my visa, and I'll figure out where I'm supposed to send in the results for my physical and my xray... and pray that everything goes smoothly and i get my visa.