Presently, with all the **** I've been wading through, and the tasks to get completed, and all the struggles and frustrations I'm having... I'm trying to remember why I wanted to go to Australia in the first place. And why in the world am I putting myself through all of this. I'm trying to convince myself that it will all be worth it in the end. i'm trying SO hard.. and i just end up crying. I think i cried myself to sleep last night actually.. I spent the afternoon cleaning the kitchen, and crying, cuz i was so stressed out about everything.
And not only was I stressed, have been stressed, but I've been alone for most of it. My brother started his summer classes on Tuesday. My uncle works all day and comes home in the evenings. we're never sure when he's coming in actually.. And my grandmother's been in the hospital. Steven and I don't know anyone in Arlington. we don't have any close friends here.. and, don't get me wrong, i LOVE my alone-time, but a month of it is just too much.
Now some of you, well probably most of you, knowing my friends, would suggest that I get involved with my church. I've tried that. I've tried to do that EVERY TIME I'M IN THIS COUNTRY. At least I tried until this year. this year was it. I didn't want to bother with it anymore. See... in 8th grade I used to be really involved in my church, especially in the youth. I did everything i possibly could! it was the FIRST time for me to actually feel AT HOME and really WELCOMED in a church. and the first time for me to be in a church youth group actually. I loved it. But I was only there for 6-7 months, and then i went back to the Philippines until my eldest brother got married a year and a half later in 2005. didn't have much time to do anything with the youth, but i went over there.. next time was in 2006. we were here for the ENTIRE SUMMER. and i tried. i tried so hard to get back into the youth group.
but... idk.. it was like they didn't care if i was there or not. it didn't matter that i had been gone, because they couldn't remember that i had been there before. i felt like i didn't exist. and I'd never been to a public school in the states, i don't keep up with popular music :p so i had NO idea what ANY of them were talking about AT ALL. (of course, we must all keep in mind that this summer was just after i was suicidal for about 3-4 months... That's a story for another time, that probably won't be told on here...) I guess after that.. i didn't bother trying anymore.. When i started college, I tried joining the college group. but it was all the same people as before. they didn't care. and they still don't care. they don't meet to study God's word at all. they meet almost purely for social matters. why do they even bother with the pretense of studying? it frustrates me to no end, so I don't go to the college group anymore.
and I guess that whole back story is where my main fear stems from.. I'm terrified that I'll leave for Australia in July, and come back to school in January, or even when I'm back for Thanksgiving, and find that my place among my friends has been taken. that i've been replaced. or that we will all have changed so much that we cannot relate to one another anymore. I'm afraid that i will become a stranger to my friends. I'm already feeling left behind. i couldn't find a job this summer, not that i really tried, since i'm supposed to be leaving in mid-July (if my visa comes through). There wasn't really a point. and most of my friends have jobs this summer, so they're working, while i sit on my bum, staring at my laptop screen cuz i have nothing to do and no friends to hang out with or talk to.i feel useless, lonely, and abandoned. only I'M the one who's not doing anything. I'M the one who's going to another country for 4 months (God willing). so why do I feel like i'm being left behind? it doesn't make sense, even to me. but it's how i feel.
I'm scared. I'm really scared. I'm scared that i can't keep up with the other students in Australia. Art class, photography, choir, tech/stage crew work... stuff i haven't done since high school! and there's no way i'll be able to skype with all my friends or be on facebook all the time. I'm sorry to those of you who command me to skype them and keep up, but the chances of that are EXTREMELY slim. and besides, you all have your own lives to live, right? how are the crazy antics of a friend on the other side of the world going to affect your lives?
Call it my inferiority complex or something.. but i'm EXTREMELY lonely, feeling VERY forgotten, lacking encouragement and self-confidence, and trying to get everything done so i can go to Australia. All the while wondering to myself WHY I'm putting myself through hell to try to get there. and hoping and wishing that it'll all be worth it in the end, and that my friends will still be my friends when i return. No matter how much we've changed.
aaaaand i'm crying again.. i think i'll try going to bed now.. sorry for the two depressing blog posts.. but it's been that kind of... summer..
on a happier note, my brother John gets married next weekend! :D and we're going to South Carolina Jun 9th! :D and i found someone to alter my bridesmaid's top for me! :D yay for little miracles ^_^
Hi! I'm taking a break from unpacking and thought I'd read through your blog...
ReplyDeleteThe idea that everyone is going to forget about you is ridiculous. Just thought you ought to know that. Will the people here change? Heck yes, people ALWAYS change. Will you have changed? Probably. But I think that you're selling yourself very short by worrying about being forgotten (replaced? how the heck do you expect that to happen?). You have friends here, not just acquaintances, and even if the changes that have happened cause a bit of tension at first, real friends are willing to work that out and continue the relationship.
Don't judge the future by every past bad experience you've had. Your negative expectations can color the experience you have when you return; it's like putting on sunglasses indoors and wondering why it got so dark. I've done that a lot; trust me, it's better to take the glasses off, even if they are comfortable for the time being.
Do me a favor; read Matthew 6:25-34 (you said you have nothing else to do, so why not?) and do some journaling. Talk to your Father.
I'll be praying for you. For peace, patience, and trust in a God who cares about what you're dealing with. More than that, though, He's interested in your growth through all of this. With the time you have before going to Australia, you have a unique opportunity spend time with Him. It would be a tragedy waste that. :)
I'm going to stop preaching and do some dishes now. Bye!